Not-so-easy rider

Hello from a hotel in Dalat. 

I hope this blog is coming through and not just a fevered dream born of the semi-delirious state induced by the potent cocktail of exhaustion and endorphins in which I brain brain is being marinated. 

Today was 135km from Nha Trang to Dalat. With a BIG hill, coming in at 1500m. In summary:

We didn't make it.

We made it 80km

Yanked out of peaceful slumber by an intentionally onboxious alarm. 05:45. Better get going.

Unceremonial breakfast; on the road by 07:00.

The plan: 50k to a hotel kindly introduced to us by google maps. 80k and The Big Climb tomorrow.

The backup: Just keep riding. Hence the early start. Always good to have a Plan B. 

The intro tells you which plan we went with in the end. Blame Google. 'Plan G' should never be your first option.

Sunrise over the bay gives way to glorious rays on the hills as we make our way up a winding river path. Today is gonna be a good day.

Race some wee little kids on bikes about 10 years too large for them. Feeling too good to care that we lost. 

11:00 - Plan G comes to fruition. Damn you Google, always one step ahead. I swear it's become sentient and bears us a grudge.

Onward and upward (and upward) it is then. Seemingly innocent blue road sign bearing letters which mean nothing to us apart from "29km".

Ok. 29km. 1500m. About the same as the Mt. Fuji climb, which I've done thrice. Piece of cake.

Except Fuji was done on a $3000 bike that weighed 9kg. Let's see - how much weight am I cranking up this little hillock without bike shoes?

11kg of fluids, 20kg of luggage, 14kg of bike, 80kg of bodyweight and 5kg of bonus bodyweight. 130kg. Time to man up. 

Should be fine - I've done it before and Akane is an absolute badass - she'll take it with ease.

Look back... Where's Akane? 

Hmmm... she's struggling and we're on a time limit here!

I know! I'll carry all of the bags. +2 panniers takes me up to 6 panniers, a guitar, a lot of water and a fair handful of extra flab. 140kg now. Gonna be tough.

There is no gear ratio that can save this...

But I'm whipping around like there's no tomorrow - backtracking to get good shots on my GoPro.

A mistake soon made clear. I seemed to have forgotten that I'm basically giving a backie to an 8 stone / 50kg person on this climb...

Sure enough, my legs remind me. 'You are not alone'. 

Easy-rider bike tours whizzing past, egging us on. Me, cheering on the outside and crying on the inside.

Random product placement

Then with the flies. Bzzz, Bzzz, Bzzz.... What's with all the flies? Dead body on the side of the road? 

"Let's take a break here" - Akane's voice from behind. 

Turning around to reply I notice that they are definitely not flies. They're bees. And there are about 40 of them trying to make a new hive out of my helmet.

Maintaining my compusure, I calmly scream"Not now - f*cking bees - f*cking sting me!" and frantically pedal like a bat out of hell to get away from them. 

This too was a mistake.

The strange thing about gravity... is that it always wins. 

Even a profound fear of becoming a pincushion for some irate bees can't defeat it. 

Soon enough I accept my fate, crack open a Red Bull and become rather fatalistic about the old stinger-in-the-eye predicament.

Tiredness sets in. Drifting.

Ponder the bees. 

Only a couple of centimetres long. Pastel colours. High altitude, temperate climes. 

Our destination was a French colonial favourite. Maybe they were in the process of terraforming - bringing their bees with them.

At least they aren't the acid-spitting thumb-size mercilessmotherfuckingbattletankofthesky which is the Japanese sparrow hornet. One-sting-death, angry-as-hell, and have been known to devour cows.

I'm going to eat your babies

Ride on into the fray. 

Not so easy any more. 

I like to pretend that Akane has overtaken me so I can film her.. the truth is quite different. She's soldiering on like a MACHINE and here I am, wilting under the blazing sun and being crushed by the all-conquering force of gravity. 

Damn you Newton. 

She keeps going, and going, and going

60 minutes later, the bees are gone. Phew! I could've sworn I was gonna get stungOWW!

Cramp! Argh! This is bad. Can't let Akane see weakness. Push through.

Cramp again! Different leg! Both legs! Argh! Off the bike for a stretch. Wife is kind enough to contain her laughter.

And then the clouds. Mist drifting slowly through the trees. Mountains obscured for minutes only to reemerge like the moon on a balmy night.

Then... Silent Hill.
30m visibility. That damned fog! Glad I'm not listening to the radio - sure there'd have been a lot of interference.

Good ol' Pyramid Head was just around the corner

On we go, through the pain. Akane being an utter badass and giving me a run for my money. But we still have 70km to go. The Big Climb lasts another 5k and then it's 65k of undulating roads. 15:45. 

Very dark all of a sudden.

THAP!
A raindrop the size of a chicken nugget. 

Jackets! Quick! In this situation you have 3 seconds to waterproof your life.

Sure enough, impromptu shower. Not 'showers in the afternoon' shower, but 'that sweaty b*stard should have a shower' shower.

Definitely not getting to Dalat before sundown (17:30). 20:30 if we're lucky. Decide to flag down an automated vehicle, but put our beastly Chinese headlights on our bikes just in case we have to ride. 

Freshly charged last night. These fully-waterproof badboys kick out 2000 lumens and are comparable to car headlights. A bit of nighttime riding would be cool!

Problem: my light doesn't work. At all. Hitchhiking is sounding better all the time.

A couple of subdued lights appear through the fog. 1970s horror-movie. 

With my usual calm composure I whip out a maglight, jump in the road and do my best kermit the frog impression.

Somehow lucked out and flagged down a bus full of backpackers.

You can't see the tears of failure running down my face here

So, about 500m from the top of this hill we load our bikes onto a bus which will take us the rest of the way. 'Bus' probably doesn't describe how it looked to us at that moment - wet, cold, worried and exhausted. Chariot-of-the-gods is more appropriate.

The shower didn't help; we still smelled like 3-week old gym socks. But we arrived in Dalat, 30 minutes after sundown, right in front of a very comfortable hotel. Not exactly the way I had envisioned rocking into town, but happy we made it. Gave the driver of the chariot (who we will call Zeus) a tip and thanked our lucky stars for the kindness of the Vietnamese.

In summary:

Akane is an utter badass.

I'm also a bit of a badass. Akane wins.

Plan G is never a good option.

Now excuse me while I curl up in bed and dream about Zeus striking down a gravity-defying shower of enraged bees.